August 29, 1923
My dearest diary...
Oh where do I start? I.. I really don't know how to begin this fragile story. I sit here all alone in my room, trying to get myself to breathe in a normal way, but it seems like every single air that passes through my lungs would hurt. I can't take this anymore, and to think that it has only been a day.
Now as you know, I turned 16 yesterday. Sweet 16, a day that was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.... but...I guess it turned out to be the day that destroyed me forever. Looking back, I really had no idea whether I should smile or just cry.. For to be very honest, I also had one of the best moments of my life yesterday, yet sadly, it was overpowered by such a huge tragedy.
It all started at around 3 in the afternoon, I was getting all dressed up for my party while Luke patiently waits for me outside. Now.. Trust me diary, it was not that easy to get into that dress. Number one, I literally had to stop myself from breathing for them to squeeze my whole body in. Number two, the smell of strong perfume choked me, and please don't get me started on the make up they so tend to put on me. I was in so much pain, but I guess I should just 'suck it in' as one of the ladies pointed out. She was pulling and braiding my hair so hard that I teared up the whole time. Oh diary, if you could just imagine the agony that I had to go through, now I know why other spell beauty as P-A-I-N. Sighs..
And after a few screws here and there, Fiona, the lady in charge, finally shouted "All done" Oh, what a huge relief. It was actually the most amazing thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
Okay, Sam. This is it. I remember saying to myself. Let's see what you look like. I took a deep breath and let out a couple more. I then slowly turned to look at the mirror.... My whole world paused after that.
"You look beautiful, madam" Fiona told me
"Yes, you do. Yes, mam.Yes!" They all agreed
"Thank you" I smiled.
"Mam, Mr. Evans is waiting for you outside." A girl mentioned.
"Thank you for telling me."
I got up to my feet and slowly opened my door that is leading to the pavement, and there beneath the sunset, stood the love of my life, Lukas. He looked at me with those magnificent green eyes and got me more nervous than I was before. I smiled at him, Well, this is me.. I said in my head. I started to smile awkwardly while Luke just stared. I'm telling you, diary. Those stares, the ones that he gave me today, they will haunt me for the rest of my life, haunt me in a good way though..
Anyway, he then began to approached me, he got so close that he was able to put his cold fingers on my face. My heart started to beat faster, chills began to go up and down my spine. Luke, was standing just a small inch away from me, and what's worse is that I think I could read everything that was going on his mind--oh how I hope that he didn't feel the same way.
"You look beautiful, Samantha.." He softly whispered.
I started to slowly release a season of deep breaths. He got his right hand and I looked at it as he tucked my hair to the back of my her ear, I gazed at his eyes and saw a whole different man. He never had that look before and that feeling made me more nervous. I was shaking, I think we both were. He held my hand, and started to rub his thumb through it. I whispered a short prayer in my head after that, for I had a good idea of what was going to happen next. I glanced at his face in awe, because I was still a little bit confused about it. What's happening? Why is he doing this? Why is he making my heart jump off my chest? Why is he making me want to smile? Wait.. Does this mean that..
Oh, diary! If you could only imagine how scared I was. Luke leaned his face closer to mine, giving me more agony as I wait for him to make his next move! After that, he then gently placed his hand on my neck...... And I knew from then on that what I hoped and dreamed for years ago is actually about to come true. My heart grew faster, I still can't believe that that was happening. He loves me! Wait, does he really? I remember stealing one more glance from his eyes before closing mine. Here it comes, I could almost feel his warm lips that was about to reach mine, until...
"Samantha.."
Whoooosh! Wow. Luke and I both looked down and took a huge gulp.
"Samantha.."
It was my beloved nurse, Heidi, I chuckled a little bit and looked at her
"Yes, Heidi?" I smiled, Heidi stood outside my door as if a certain kind of feeling was holding her back
"Heidi, what's wrong?" I asked her again
I was very clueless that moment. I didn't know what was going on. Heidi then walked in and held me tight. Something's wrong, I immediately felt
"It's your mom.."
"My mom? Why? What about her?"
I turned pale after that. You know what happened, my mom has been feeling feverish and sick for a few months now.. She has been having chills, night sweats and other flu-like symptoms that I can't really explain. She would feel weak all the time, her weight loss has been so dramatic and would often cry due to her head aches. Then my dad got a doctor to check her up, and from what I heard the doctor said that my mom's bone marrow was completely damaged due to the immature white blood cells that results in a lack of blood platelets, that is why sometimes my mom gets easily bruised, and would bleed excessively, we later learned that what my mom had was cancer..... I mean, her temperature went up so high last night that I began to have second thoughts if we should continue my party. Tears flooded my eyes as Heidi told us how my mom passed out on the garden floor. Oh how I wanted to hug Heids so bad. I froze for a brief moment until Sean held my hand.
"Samantha?" He called my name
"Yes..." I faced him
"Let's go?"
"Yeah.." I nodded
Fear started to fill me, drops of tears dropped through my eyes. This cannot be happening! I continue to say to myself, my mind was so focused on reaching my mom on time that I completely forgot that Luke was right beside me.
When we got to the clinic, the very first thing that I saw was my mom's smile. It gave me so much peace. She was really trying to be strong for all of us,
"What's wrong, Samee?" My mom looked at me as I stood there without saying a word, it was like turning red seemed to be my only option.
"Little Samantha, I love you."
And....... That was when I started burst out in tears, I hurriedly took my shoes off and laid next to my mom. I continued to cry while I hugged her for dear life.
"There, there, Samantha, stop crying. Mommy's here" She hugged me back. You have no idea how terrified I was! I felt like a little girl lost in huge place that is filled with darkness. I remember asking myself a million whys! I remember crying! I remember crying..... I didn't want to loose my mom! No! Anything but her! How could such a beautiful, promising day be ruined by a terrifying tragedy?!
"Let's not continue the party anymore, please! I just want to be with her" I screamed at my father
"No, no dear.. Please don't." My mother said..
"But mom.."
"No buts, Samantha. Be strong, okay? Be strong... For be?"
I looked into her eyes and there was not a single trace of fear in it. How could she be so bold while I lay there like a fragile stick? I looked at my dad and saw tears streaming down his face. I have never seen him cry like that before,
"Mom, please.. I don't care about the party. I just want to hug you and hold you.. And be with you!"
"Samantha.."
"I don't want to loose you, mom!"
"Loose me? Why? Where am I going? My dear Samantha, I'm not going anywhere."
But I'm sure that we both knew that she might.....never mind. As I held on my mom for dear life, she began to sing to me. She sung to me, and threw all my worries away. She sung me a lullaby.. My very last lullaby.. I closed my eyes and did my best to remember the words.
Little girl, my sweet little girl
With a smile that happens to shine
Dry your eyes, please dry your eyes
I promise that everything will be fine
There there, now come and rest your head
My little girl, my little girl, my lovely baby princess
Oh, Diary, I can't breathe, trying to recall everything just hurts me to the core.. Like a double edged sword that continues to pierce my open wound. The pain is killing me.
"Sir, the guess have all arrived. Should I tell them to leave?" Dart, a gate keeper said out loud as he patiently waits by the door. My dad looked at me and through his eyes, asked me what my decision was. My mom held my hand and her glance answered it for me.
"Tell them that I will be out in a while" I wiped my tears and hugged my mom more.
"That's my girl," I remember her deeply telling me.
"I love you, mom.. Please be here when I come back."
"I love you, my little Samantha."
And just like that, our hands fled from each other. I looked back at her and cried because I had this strong feeling, this horrible strong feeling that my mom, the one who gave me life, the one have made me strong through all these years, my hero, might not be there anymore when I get back...
I... I can't take this anymore, diary. I'm sorry. I have to go....
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